Cast List

   Jack and company, after finally realizing that the Pope had left the complex, sat down in the conference room.  There were still casting decisions to be made.

   Jack examined the list and saw a few roles that yet needed to be filled.  Narin sat across from him, examining the roster, while Michael, a crotchety old janitor, sat to his right.

   "Looks like we've got an opening for drums," Jack said into the phone.  Although Narin was present in the room, they were still using telephones to communicate.

   "Yes," said Narin, "drums, hmmm..."

   "I can play those drums!" said Michael enthusiastically.

   "Let's see, sure, yeah..." Jack replied noncommittally.  He knew several drummers, including Michael.  He knew Michael would like to do it, but if the suggestion came from Jack himself, Narin might not agree.  Michael seemed so uplifted at the prospect of drumming that Jack didn't have the heart to let him down, so he decided to come back to that role.

   "What's this here on the sheet, it says, 'Lemon, lime?'  Those aren't really roles, their more fruits, I think..." Jack said, inspecting the cast list.

   "No," Narin pronounced, "they're roles.  Look, you halve them, cut out the pulp, and you can speak a sort of language by squeezing them."

   "Ok..." said Jack.  He seemed skeptical, but it wasn't his place to question the legitimacy of roles.

   "We should get a dancer for this one," Narin said.

   "Oh!  We could get Petunia!" said Jack.  "She seemed excited about this whole musical thing."

   Narin smiled slightly, which Jack took to mean that Petunia would get the role.

Arctic Duel

   The two combatants faced each other down, their dark capes blowing in the cold arctic air.  The moon sent faint tendrils of light down from the sky, dimly illuminating the rocky dueling circle and the cliff upon which it was situated.  Behind the circle sat a giant ice castle.

   After sizing up the situation, ProtoBatman decided his best initial strategy would be evasion.  With as much haste as his slightly chubby frame would allow, he dashed away from his opponent, a man dressed similarly in a cowl and spandex.

   Once ProtoBatman was well hidden among the rocks, his opponent took a careful look around.  Abruptly, he fired a grappling hook towards the giant castle doors.  The hook dug itself deeply into the wood and the opponent began to zip towards the castle.  ProtoBatman couldn't allow the man to gain the high ground, so he quickly threw a batarang.  His aim was true, and the rope was severed before the opponent was even halfway toward the castle.  The man slowly made his way back to the center ring to devise another course of action.

   It was clear to ProtoBatman that this contest would have to be decided hand-to-hand.  After all, they'd both been professional wrestlers at some point in their lives.  He stealthily made his way towards his opponent.

   In the darkness of night, neither ProtoBatman or his opponent realized that they were standing directly behind each other.  As one turned, slowly scanning the rocky landscape, so too did the other, with the result that they were always unintentionally just out of view of each other.

   This comedic ballet continued for some time until ProtoBatman finally realized that the masked opponent was directly in front of him.  With a roar, he charged the man and knocked him down.  The man quickly regained his footing and took advantage of ProtoBatman's excess momentum to counterattack.  Each man began trying to punch, grapple, and tackle the other into submission.

   The mighty battle continued as the two steadily drew nearer to the cliff's edge.  His opponent had outmaneuvered ProtoBatman so that he was backed up against a thin glass window on the precipice.  The opponent charged towards ProtoBatman.  Knowing he had one shot, ProtoBatman sidestepped the charge, picked up the man and threw him threw the window and over the cliff.

   The window shattered and the man fell thousands of feet toward the frigid sea.  He landed on an enormous Cheerios box floating in the water, punching a hole through the waterlogged cardboard.

   "They've been searching for three years now," the narrator said, "and they still haven't found him."  There was a brief pause.

   "Maybe if he had spent those first three years in a boat..." said the narrator, trailing off.

Scariest Movie

   Jack woke up from a deep slumber.  Glancing sharply from his position on the couch, he was distraught to find that it was 11:30.  That couldn't be right, it was still pitch black outside.  The clock had to be wrong.  If it wasn't, he was tremendously late for his 5:00am work shift.

   To make matters worse, "The Scariest Movie" was still playing on his laptop.  He remembered shutting it off the night before, but somehow it was still on and playing the end of the film.  On the rocking chair sat Niel, quietly watching him.

   "I'm very late!" exclaimed Jack.  "Is it really 11:30?" 

   "Yes," replied Niel quietly.

   Horrified, Jack knew that he'd have to call his work and see if they even wanted him to come in anymore.  But first, he'd have to shut off this movie.  It was getting to the scariest part. 

   As he reached slowly toward the power button, he stared, transfixed, at the screen.  Blurry, gory images of half-formed creatures and malicious shapes moved across the screen committing various atrocities.  Some were vaguely human, most were beyond cohesive description.  Knowing he did not want to see the end of this movie, Jack hastened to press the power button.  As he drew nearer, his progress was halted by some unseen force, and his hand began to tremble violently.  Jack's sweat pores sprang to life and he moaned softly in fright, for he was having more and more trouble not watching the screen.  He glanced beseechingly at Niel for help, but she just stared back, rocking slowly.

   "I really need to turn this off!!" cried Jack.

Misty Heights

   Jack careened down the wide highway as he tried to keep pace with the other three bikers.  Because the highway seemed to float in midair, the views were incredible: mountains poked their heads above the mist and enormous, sinewy trees made strange shapes with their limbs.

   Eventually the group reached a point where the highway turned into a tree bridge.  Since Jack was afraid to bike on tree branches, he turned back and rode back up the hill.  This way he wouldn't be as late for class.

   Once he reached the flat launching platform at the top of the highway, he stopped to catch his breath.  His rest was interrupted by a small, mousy man.  The man seemed agitated and had an aggressive stance.  It was clear to Jack that they had to fight, so he pulled out his hunting knife.

   As they two began maneuvering around each other, Jack decided to use his normal strategy: lure his adversary to the cliff's edge and pull him off while holding on himself.  He neared the edge and fastened himself to a rock so that he wouldn't fall down.  He began tugging repeatedly on the mousy man, but the man stood fast and smiled wryly.

   "Great," though Jack, "how am I supposed to get back up now?"  Luckily a passerby saw his situation and helped pull him back up to safety.

   Since the fight was over, Jack and the mousy man sat down on a bench next to the launching platform.  The mousy man handed Jack his hunting knife.

   "Thanks," said Jack.  "You know, you're the first person I wasn't able to pull off the edge."  The man looked at him and smiled a little.

   "So, what's your deal?" Jack asked the man.

   "Oh," sighed the mousy man, "I was the one who composed the theme song for Saturn."

   "Really?" said Jack in delight. "That is one of the most beautiful..."

   "Thanks," said the mousy man sadly.  The pair sat in silence, looking at the misty vista.

Xenobiology Lecture

   Jack knocked over the barricade with a pulse of energy from his wrist and made his way into the lab in search of the animals.  He noticed an air vent near the ceiling with it's cover missing, so he flew up to investigate.

   "Colder," a voice said.

   Jack backed out of the vent and instead went to investigate another vent on the floor in the corner of the room.

   "Warmer," said the voice.

   Jack reached into the vent and felt something fuzzy.  He pulled out a gaggle of small, furry animals and set them down on the floor.  Wondering how he'd ever get all the animals out of the vent, he saw a tale sticking out and knew it belonged to a swathian pig.

   "Hey!  You have to come out!" Jack yelled into the vent.

   "No!  We're not coming out!" yelled the pigs.

   With a scowl, Jack turned around, not knowing what to do.  He was surprised to see that a puzzled crowd had formed.  Since he was stumped about the pigs in the vent, he decided that it might be time for a biology lecture.

   "You see," he said, addressing the crowd, "swathian pigs are indeed aliens, but they are also sentient.  We mustn't let their primitive appearance fool us, they are actually quite intelligent."  He picked up a nearby pig and held it gently in his arms.  It looked like a cross between a sloth and an anteater.

   Jack continued expounding on the biology and sociology of the swathian pigs.  He tried to emphasize their humanity so that the crowd would embrace and accept them.

   "And I know," concluded Jack, "that this swathian pig would like nothing more to be called Christian."  At this, the swathian pig in Jack's arms was moved to tears.

Going Down

   Jack saw the tall figure and knew that his time had come.  He had been expecting it, knew it was only a matter of time.  As he and two others from the group approached the small opening they were unceremoniously sucked in.  The tall figure was waiting for them on the other side and began ushering them down a narrow passageway.  Jack was filled with dread, for he knew there would be no return journey.

   Soon they reached the beginning of a narrow spiral staircase.  The walls of the tunnel were viscous and quivering, the steps hewn out of the living material.  The tall figure forced them down on their hands and knees and they began to crawl downward.

   The girl in front of Jack was on the verge of tears.  Determined to give her what little comfort was available on this cursed journey, he touched her feet gently and mumbled, "God bless the path that we must tread."  It was an empty prayer, for Jack felt despair as he uttered it.  The tall figure continued to push them further underground as they slowly made their way into hell.

Cousin Care

   Jack walked into the retail bathroom with his two younger cousins, Harwaukie and John C. Peterson.  He'd been trying to avoid an awkward run-in, but by the expressions on his cousin's faces he realized that they might have walked into something worse.

   "Oh no, the stall won't open!" worried John C. Peterson.

   "How are we going to get out?  The bathroom door is closing!" said Harwaukie frantically.

   Jack rushed to the door but was too late; it clicked shut just as he reached it.  He started to panic, as he knew this was a sign that there was someone just outside the door.  Harwaukie and John C. Peterson looked at him with concern.  He knew that he had to take care of them, get them out of the store and back to their house.  However, the first step was to escape from the bathroom.

  Jack tried the door again and found it unlocked.  He cracked it open tentatively, worried that the black nemesis was waiting to pop out.

   "I think we can leave," said Jack.  He and his cousins began to creep out of the bathroom.  Just as they were passing the threshold, two dark and twisted hands thrust themselves around the door frame, followed by a black, cat-like face.  This was the person Jack had encountered and tried to avoid in the electronics department, but now she had become twisted and monstrous.  The creature made a loud noise and Jack jumped off the floor in fright.  Panicked, he dashed out of the bathroom and left the building, his two cousins following closely behind.

   Now that they were out of the building, Jack had to get the two home and guard them until their parents returned from their island vacatioin.

   "Do we want to take my car, or yours?..." he asked the pair.

   "Let's take ours," said Harwaukie.

   "Okay, that's good.  There's that space in you car," Jack said, gesturing ineffectually.

   They began walking across the parking lot.  Jack noticed a group of his family members and stopped in wonderment; weren't they supposed to be away?  He spotted a tall man in a baseball cap with dark stubble on his chin approaching from the direction of the store.  The man looked very much like his cousins' dad, so Jack gave him a thumbs-up as he passed.  It appeared to Jack that his charges were back under their rightful care.

   Or were they?  The man gave no indication that he recognized Jack and continued walking past the group.  Perhaps he was not the father of Harwaukie and John C. Peterson?  Jack searched frantically around the lot, looking for his cousins. As he saw them getting into their car, Jack felt the situation was getting out of hand.

Gro Apples

   "Produce department?" Serahh called out over the walkie.

   Jack wearily lifted the walkie from his pocket and responded, "Go ahead for produce."

   "Can you please fill the Gro Apples?  They are almost empty.  They call them Gro Apples because eventually they get larger, to fit the circumstances."

   Jack rolled his eyes.  "Wrong," he muttered to the group of onlookers.  He knew those apples were just regular fuji apples, and he also knew the display was empty.  He'd intended to fill them regardless.  Typical overbearing and unnecessary management. 

   "Sure, I'll get right on that," he responded with fake cheer.

Unwanted Date

   Jack fiddled wistfully with the small felt spheres.  The diversion they provided was not enough to pull his mind out of the dark miasma of the past, of things unsaid and of deeds undone.

   "I know what you're thinking," he said to Petunia before she could speak.  "It's more that I'm remembering the good times, from the past.  It's not a present thing."

   She gave him a doubtful look before walking away.  He turned back to the spheres.

   A few minutes later, Dingland walked up.  Jack didn't look up from his crouched position.

   "I got this for you," Dingland said, handing him a plastic bottle.  "For your birthday."  Jack saw that the bottle contained alcoholic cider.  He thought it was strange the bottle was plastic, but he was appreciative nonetheless.

   "Thanks, Dingland," Jack said, opening the bottle and taking a sip.

   "I've brought somebody else.  A date for you," said Dingland.  Jack looked up to see an plain woman with curly black hair round the corner.  He recognized it as one of the contestants from the show, but not one he was particularly attracted to, and he was in no mood to make small talk.  However, the last thing he wanted was to let his dark mood infect anyone else, so he decided to make the best of it.

   "Hello, nice to meet you," said Jack, forcing a weak smile.

Terror Saloon

   The storefront was old-fashioned and contained several businesses, only one of which, the bar, seemed open.  He noticed a sign advertising a store below the ground level, but there was no apparent way to reach it.  The door to his left lead to a closed saloon; perhaps this was the way downstairs?

   The front door was unlocked, so he entered the darkened saloon.  It was a typical western-themed establishment, complete with cowboy knick-knacks and jars of unlabeled alcohol.  Jack rounded the corner into the main dining area and stopped abruptly.  Though the saloon was dark, he could see that every table was occupied by perfectly still people.  As Jack's eyes adjusted to the darkness, he began to notice odd details.  Their heads were large and their bodies small, and despite the lack of light their skin gave off a dull metallic sheen.

   Without thinking, Jack shouted, "Hey!!"

   As if on cue, the entire crowd quickly and mechanically stood up from their seats in unison.  Jack froze.  He was becoming a little frightened, but he was still determined to get downstairs.  The ground crunched uncomfortably under his feet as he made his way further into room.  He walked toward the closest person, a tall disproportionate female.  As he drew near, he realized she was a giant tin doll.  Jack peered into the darkness and saw they were all tin dolls with oversized spherical heads.  There was a note in the hand of the female doll.  Jack ripped it out and read:

   "Don't disturb them or they will tear you apart."

   Horrified, Jack began to back out the room.  As he reached the door, he noticed a much smaller, toy-sized tin doll with a musical crank on it's back.  He picked it up and twisted the knob.

   The toy made a small dinging noise, and instantaneously the giant tin dolls turned to face Jack.  He was truly frightened now, for they all had malicious, inhuman faces.  Despite his far, Jack turned the knob once more, and once more it rang into the silence.  The dolls raised their arms toward Jack.  He could not stop himself from twisting the knob again and again, and with each ding the tin army advanced a step.  He knew he was sealing his own doom, but he couldn't tear himself away.

   Just before his escape rout was fully blocked, terror overcame compulsion and Jack bolted toward the door.  He was almost certain that the tin army didn't need noise anymore to herald its advance; it would be pursuing him regardless, and he planned to get as far away as possible.

   As the saloon door closed behind him, Jack's hasty departure was halted by three cheering people waving festive banners.  They were rooting for him!

   "My money was on Frasier," one remarked to another.

   "My name's Jack..." thought Jack as he sprinted off into the night.

Fully Clothed

   Jack worried as he climbed up the side of the parking garage, though not because of his altitude.

   "She's not going to let us start until you put some underwear on," said Juna.

   "Hmmmm," sighed Jack as he clung to the tenth story ledge.

   He had already been informed about the underwear problem.  The trouble was, he was fully clothed, including underwear.  He wondered what the manager meant, and what would happen when he was confronted; he was clearly in the right.  He knew he didn't have time to go to the store before the event started, so he decided to try and find a bathroom and figure things out there.  He launched himself up the the eleventh floor.

   "No, the bathroom is on the tenth floor," Juna said.

   Jack dropped back down and clambered over the tenth story ledge.  He walked past Juna down the cement hallway to the bathroom, not knowing what he would do when he got there.  His heart fell as he saw the crowd in the bathroom; this would be impossible.

Princess Stomp

    Jack stared down at the three pairs of feet.  They all seemed to belong to enormous giants.  The legs extended high into the sky, and from Jack's perspective he could not see anything above their knees, they were so tall.  He realized that one of those pairs belonged to him, and he was barefoot.  One other pair was also bare, but the third had steel boots on.  He knew this pair's specialty was kicking, the other's was running, so he presumed his own was stomping.  Looking around the walled, forested courtyard in front of the castle, he saw their target: the magic princess.  She seemed as small as an ant, though he know that with her skill in magic she was far more powerful.

   They commenced their chase, each trying to kick and stomp her into the ground.  Try as they may, the magic pink princess evaded them, casting spells as she danced around their clumsy attempts.  Jack tried to maneuver behind her as she was channeling a Cone of Cold spell, but she noticed and quickly dodged.

   Suddenly, she stopped moving.  Jack and the other two pairs of feet ceased their chase in surprise.  Jack knelt down to examine the sullen princess.

   "I don't want to play anymore," she declared.

   Jack began to sing.  "Please play, please play, I wish that you would play," he sang.  Jack knew that he was normally incapable of producing the beautiful range and tone that was now coming from his mouth, but his surprise didn't impede the performance.  A piano began to accompany him, and though he was improvising the words and melody, the piano had no trouble following.  The component chords and cadences Jack knew, but they were being combined in strange ways that seemed new and profound and impenetrable.  Jack listened in delight as the keys wove beautiful harmonies around him, and he was happy.

   The princess, though, was having none of it.  She got up and climbed high into the ramparts.  Jack looked helplessly at the other feet.  They shuffled uncomfortably.  Jack climbed into the ramparts and leaned in close to the princess.

   "Will you please come back?" he pleaded.  She shook her head.

   Glancing back at the feet in the courtyard, he whispered, "What if you and I team up?"  At this, her face lit up and she nodded in agreement.  Jack jumped high into the sky and crashed down in front of the feet, issuing an unspoken challenge.

   Suddenly the princess was as tall as the owners of the feet.  Jack stood in a circle with the princess and the other two individuals.  He recognized one as Narin, but the other person was unknown to him.

   "Here, I will make us all small again,"  the princess said.  She began muttering some words over a bag of grapes, handing one out to each person as she finished.  As the others bit into theirs, they began to get smaller.  Jack too began to shrink as he nibbled tentatively.

   "I don't think I want to finish mine...it makes me so happy....ooooooh!!!" sighed Narin as she took small bites of her grape.  Jack felt nothing as his chewed his.

Tour Guide

   "You carry the bikes downstairs, I'll take the elevator," Jack said to The Father.

   The group of fourth-graders he was leading was already inside the elevator.  Jack got in and pressed the button for the fifth floor, smiling pleasantly at the kids.  Taking tour groups around the science museum was something he still got a little nervous about.

   As the elevator doors opened, Jack said, "So, do you all know about health and nutrition and stuff?  You all know that, right?"  A scatter of "yeses" came from the kids.  Jack began to lead the group down the stairs toward the main hall.  The large space was abuzz with people interacting with displays.

   "So, who can tell me what kinds of nutrients we need for our bodies?"

   "Calories," said a small girl.

   "Good, good, anyone else?"

   "Umm, mud!" another girl declared.
  
   "Uh-huh, ok," Jack said.  He decided to take back the reigns of the discussion.  "How about iron?" 

   "Oh, yeah!" recognition dawned on the children's faces.

   "How about potassium?  Magnesium?  Uh, let's see, what else..."  They had almost reached the bottom of the stairs, so Jack had to wrap things up before they got distracted by the commotion.

   "My point is, all these things come from the earth.  They're rocks, and our bodies need them.  So, we all have the earth inside of us!..." Jack tried the sound excited, but the kids seemed bored with him.

Phone Call

   Jack felt his phone vibrate.  He did not recognize the number, but he answered anyway.

   "Coop!" he said loudly into the phone.

   "Hrya urmash ghe loor nte, dheit tnannfm kworp," the voice on the other line said.  It was garbled and difficult to understand.

   "Who is this?" queried Jack.

   "It's Nole," said Nole.

   "Oh, how are you!  I'm sorry we missed you!"  Nole had been absent during Jack's recent visit with Moptop.

   There was silence on the phone.  It had disconnected.  Jack shrugged and put the phone in his pocket but pulled it out again almost immediately as Nole called back.

   "Sorry, I got disconnected," said Nole.

   "No problem."

   "Anyway," Nole continued, "I just wanted to say thanks for coming, and I hope to see you again next time."

   "Yeah, next time," replied Jack.